With the purpose of lifting up his floundering campaign, presidential hopeful Donald Trump is throwing down a new gauntlet. The millionaire impressario spent the past month obsessing about the president's birthplace but now says that there's a more urgent issue to raise with Obama.
"I, Donald Trump, owner of many tall buildings, is telling you today that our president killed our Lord and savior Jesus Christ," Trump said to a packed at audience gathered in the town square Biddeford, Maine. "If he says it's not true then why not release the records proving that he didn't kill Christ. I mean, we don't know anything about this guy."
While Trump says that he doesn't have any "evidence" to prove his accusation, he insists that Obama was present during the turbulent period in Rome where a young idealist man named Jesus ruffled the feathers of "elitists, like this Obama character." Trump also elaborated on his accusation, claiming that Obama was a business partner of Pontius Pilate, the Roman Senator who betrayed Jesus and had a major hand in his crucifixion. According to Trump, days before the crucifixion, Pilate met with Obama, who was at the time being serviced by a chambermaid, and told to forsake Jesus so that Islam would reign supreme.
 Neighbors can't believe it... By Sal Pimento (email Sal Pimento)In the first interviews conducted in the area of Abbottabad, neighbors within living distance of late terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden describe their neighbor as a “quiet man” who “kept to himself and did not bother anyone” in the neighborhood while living in his giant underground cave dwelling. Bin Laden was killed a massive firefight with US special forces on Sunday evening, but neighbors who witnessed the US Navy SEALS strike and hour long military operation said it was the first time they have ever had any noise issues with their terrorist neighbor, and that other than this all out attack with American military and a barbeque last Labor Day, he was a model neighbor who never “made so much as a peep” while living in his compound.
“To tell the truth, I am very surprised at all of this,” said Mugunda Al Sheeka, who lives at 192 Underground Cave Mansion Boulevard, three houses down from Bin Laden’s residency. ‘never once did I suspect this man was who the media tells me he is. He was very neighborly and very friendly. We used to stop and chat every now and then when we would get the newspaper in the morning. I did notice he had many armed guards at his door and he was covered in a layer of dirt but hey, who am I to pry.”
“He was a quiet man, he definitely kept to himself,” said Najar Jeerizi, a housewife who long suspected that her neighbor may have been hiding something. “He never did anything to anyone that I know of, but one day, I did get his mail, and I can tell you what, there were a lot of literature in his mail there, terrorist this and Al Quida that. I did walk over and try to give it to him but somebody came out instead of him and took it from me and told me to go home and stop being so nosy. I didn’t tell anyone but the girls in my book club, but we all thought it was weird! This explains so much…”
Other neighbors agreed with Jeerizi’s assessment but did not want to come forward for fear of reprisal. Some of those neighbors include Ezekiel and Terey Bundujar, a couple living five doors down from Bin Laden’s compound, and who run a small repair service from their home. Also, the Abullah-Leupj family at 220 Underground Cave Mansion Boulevard, who did not want to be identified for this story, refused to comment on their relationship with Bin Laden as a neighbor.
“I am shocked and stunned,” added Old Man Mohammed, a widower and the neighborhood the scary old man who lives down the road from the Bin Laden compound. “All this time, the kids in the neighborhood would ring my doorbell, leave bags filled with poop, and think I was some kind of monster. Humph. Well. How about that. Turns out he was only living down the street.”
 Middleton waving goodbye to the crowd before fleeing the scene.
By Sal Pimento (email Sal)
Embarrassment has gripped England this morning as the much anticipated royal wedding has been called off. Prince William has reportedly accidently called his bride Kate Middleton the wrong name during the exchanging of the vows at this morning’s ceremony, calling her the name “Rachel” mistakenly when the minister asked to repeat his vows of marriage. Shocked guests were left to gasp when Prince William realized his mistake, but by then the damage was done. Middleton continued on for several minutes in the awkward ceremony, but later fled the altar alongside her family and bridesmaid. The flabbergasted royal family quickly left as well and could not be reached for comment.
“By jove, I can’t believe William would flub so brilliantly!” remarked Cocksley Jenkins outside the Winchester Pub in London when asked of his reaction. “He’s gone and ruined the entire day! Today was to be a joyous holiday in merry England, but now it will be known as the day Prince William made a priceless ass of himself in front of all the world.”
“That poor dearie,” said Haggie Missingtooth who camped outside Buckingham Palace for the ceremony, said in reference to Middleton. “She must be stewing ripe madly, eh. I would slap aside me husband head if he called me the wrong name on me wedded day.”
For all intents and purposes the royal wedding has been cancelled. Beleaguered guests exited the ceremony in droves, some ignoring hastily made post wedding plans and parties. Elton John has said to have cancelled his royal wedding after party and later tweeted: “This is the worst day of my life #princewilliampullsarossgellar#”
London tabloids are rushing to judgment on who the “Rachel” is that Prince William misspoke of. While some believe it could be high profile home wrecker Rachel Uchitel, many believe it is actually Rachel Greene, an attractive coffee barista in Manhattan with a sleek haircut and extremely attractive friends that never seem to work. We attempted to reach Greene for comment for this story, as well as contact her place of employment, Central Perk coffee house in Greenwich Village, but were unable to get a response at press time.
By Sal Pimento (email Sal)NESN employee and Boston Bruins play-by-play announcer Jack Edwards has reported led a group of New England based militia members over the US-Canadian border early this morning in a declaration of war and eventual invasion of Canada. Edwards and his squadron of soldiers, thought to be no more than 100 in the regiment, reportedly attacked Canadian sentry guards and border patrol officials at the Route 235 Morses Line crossing in Vermont. After gaining entry to the country, Edwards reportedly marched through border towns in Quebec, ransacking homes of French Canadian citizens who immediately surrendered and fled at the sight of the frothy Americans. The Canadian National Guard has been called in to stop the militia’s advance. But Canadian officials fear that Edwards’ invasion plans will inspire more Americans to realize their neighbors to the north of a bunch of diving pussies and more conflict could arise.
 Terry Francona, before pummeling some punks into dust By Sal Pimento (Email Sal)
Following Barry Bond's recent conviction for steroid abuse, officials have directed their scrutiny away from players and instead will look at several MLB coaches who are accused of using performance enhancing drugs. The most high profile of the bunch is Boston Red Sox coach Terry Francona, whose sizable bulk and increasingly erractic behavior are leading some to believe that "Tito" as he's beloved called, is pumping the juice.
Some Red Sox players have expressed concern over Francona's behavior and believe that the rumors may have more than a ring truth to them. "I found it kind of strange on my first day," said Carl Crawford, who was picked up in the off season. "Tito walked into the locker room, immediately pushed over the Gatorade bucket, sized me up and asked if I wanted to suck on some demon. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. I figured he was just an eccentric guy but now, I don't know what to believe."
By Sal Pimento (email Sal)
Los Angeles – Kobe Bryant has fired back to media members to clear the air about the controversy surrounding his use of a gay slur that was picked up by the live broadcast during Tuesday night's game against the San Antonio Spurs, saying that the entire episode was a "big misunderstanding", and he actually said "F--kin Saget", in reference to comedian Bob Saget, a big Lakers fan who sitting courtside for the game. Bryant said he yelled at the comedian who was within earshot because not only he is a big fan of his work, but wanted to thank him for all the years of laughter and comedy he had provided Bryant and his family throughout his career.
Bryant released a statement last night: "First off, I want to apologize to the NBA, Commissioner David Stern, my fans, the Los Angeles lakers organization, my coach Phil Jackson, my wife, my two children, the entire Los Angeles community, the entire state of California, the Spurs organization, the community of San Antonio, my parents, and every human being I have ever met in my life - gay or straight or maybe somewhere in the middle a little bit. This entire episode has been completely taken out of context by the media and the broadcasters at TNT, and is all a big misunderstanding. What was heard on the broadcast was actually me referencing my good friend and Laker fan Bob Saget, who my two daughters are big fans of his work on Full House, and who I am personally a big fan of in the stand-up comedy world. I expressed the phrase "F--kin Saget" partly because I was saw him at the game in my line of sight and immediately began to reminisce about all the great comedy bits he has given the world over the years in his stand up rountines and live show. I am just a big Danny Tanner fan and when I saw him, I couldn't contain myself. Obviously I became so emotional at the sight of Mr. Saget, I felt myself screaming out in jubilation. Unfortunately my language was not appropriate for the broadcast and for that I do apologize."
Many gay right activists and organizations aren't buying it.
By Sal Pimento (email Sal)ESPN and Sports Illustrated insiders have reported changed their major league baseball pre-season predictions, and have now projected the Boston Red Sox, who many thought to be runaway winners of the American League thanks to their prolific off season, to lose over 400 major league games in the 2011 season. The about face of many baseball experts and writers comes on the heels of a three game sweep by reigning American League champions Texas Rangers, who piled up historic offensive numbers against the Red Sox, leaving them looking like sad, aloof clowns.
By Sal Pimento (email Sal)
Geneva – On the heels of the announcement by the World Health Organization that by 2015, over 2 million people will contract a form of resistant tuberculosis, WHO officials are asking that people avoid riding the Oregon Trail via covered wagon, as it has been proven that the easiest way to contradict the deadly disease is to be engaged in an Oregon Trail game along with five members of your made up pioneer family as you travel the frontier. Reports initially broke that hundreds of thousands of people in the near future would be felled by advance forms of TB that would become resistant to new drugs and vaccinations.
 The new report shows that pink slips=opportunity By Sal Pimento (Email Sal)
A recent study by the Phillip J. Pickles Institute showed that the fastest growing sector of the economy is in jobs related to the unemployment sector. In the last fiscal year, 220,000 jobs were created, with 190,000 concerning jobs related to helping others find employment. Jobs such as job coaches, unemployment claims inspectors and file clerks are now a hot job market, as the need increases for those desiring to work with those who aren't working.
By Sal Pimento (email Sal)
Thousand year old mythical monster Godzilla has pledged to donate time and money to assist in the relief efforts following the devastating earthquake and tsunami that has crippled the nation he has spent the better part of his life trying to destroy. Godzilla is said to be heartbroken by the destruction in his native land, and has begun gathering donations and raising funds to donate to relief efforts for the Japanese people, in an ironic twist of fate for the large lizard monster, who has time and time again attacked Japan with seemingly no remorse or regard for his actions previous.
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